Wish I Have Good News

Hello everyone,

It has been quite some time since I last blogged...my last entry was about this young lady, Umi Izaza whom I had grown fond of and she was to undergo a total glossectomy, a major operation whereby the whole tongue would be removed...just like me. The big day was set to be on the 13th October. We chatted on facebook a few times with her telling me how scared she was, and asking me whether things would be ok..And I kept on consoling her, telling her not to worry because the doctors knew what they were doing..they are good doctors, I'm sure. Then, narrated to her my own experience, what to expect after the operation and everything would be fine, and she would be up and kicking ass again. And not to forget to pray a lot...

I made a point to visit her the day before her operation. I took a 2 day leave from work to be with her and to convince her to look at the operation in a positive light. I wanted to show her that things are not that bad..hey "I'm the living proof! See?" And that really helped her..She said that she really wanted to be like me.. So, on the next day, early in the morning I received a text message from her sister saying that she was already taken into the OT..and I texted back saying that we should now pray a lot for her and hope for the best.

Then, at about 10 pm, her sister informed be that Umi was out of the OT and now was in the ICU and that she's doing fine, she's one strong young lady..then, I asked, is there a trachy tube on her neck? And she replied, no. Then, I got worried...because from my reading, my observation when I was warded, and my own experience, an operation of this kind and nature will surely lead to swollen neck which in turn will block the air passage. This makes it difficult for the patient to breath. On top of that, the general anaesthesia would definitely give rise to nasty phlegm in the chest and would cause another breathing problem. Therefore, the trachy tube is very necessary or else she would not be able to breathe.

And true enough, after a few days, all my worries were substantiated.. she could not breathe and the doctor had to intubate her in order to insert the trachy tube into her neck..I was like "damn" they could have done it when she was unconscious..from then on, I could feel that this is not going to be easy for her....let me stop here first because I'd like to write about another dear cancer comrade....


I got a shock when I opened my blog today...and my eyes caught this blog "Beyond The Glass Door" which says, The Other Shoe Has Dropped...and I straight away went to his blog and to my horror, he said that his cancer is back...I could not believe my eyes when I learnt that he now has to go through another nightmare, financially and physically...he first had cancer in 2007, which was a year earlier than mine...Oh My God..cancer is such a horrible and merciless disease...I can surely feel what he's going through....it is as if what he has been through, all that sufferings all these years are not enough...give him more, make him suffer more....gosh...i'm so angry...

My dear friend Brian, please stay strong, the way you have been all these years...

With love,
Sharifah

She's So Young

I got to know her from my brother a few months ago. She's from Seremban. She was scared and crying her heart out wondering what was happening to her, wondering why she, of all people is destined to endure this agony. She smsed me asking me she should do..telling how scared she was because she had lost her tongue mobility, making it impossible for her to eat her favourite food and speaking normally was out of question.

After exchanging text messages for the first time, she kept me updated on her development. She told me that the doctor planned to perform an operation on her after the Aidhil Fitri, to remove the cancerous part of her tongue which would entail half of it, which was on August 16. I was glad for her because she would still have half of her tongue which, to me was fantastic. So, I waited anxiously as the date drew near. However, about a week before the said date, she got a call from her doctor telling her to come over because there was something important to discuss. Then, she said that the doctor suggested doing chemotherapy first in the hope that the tumour would shrink and hopefully she would not have to go through the operation. She was very glad with the doctor's recommendation, but I was worried. I wanted to say something about it but then, asked myself..who I am to go against the doc's decision.

She suffered like hell during the chemo sessions, and I kept on telling her to be patient, pray a lot, and always look forward to getting better.. after a few sessions, the doc said that the tumour has slightly shrunk and she could move her tongue a bit..I was elated that the chemo worked..

However, all that ended abruptly in early October when the MRI showed that the tumour got bigger and the whole tongue would have to be removed. The operation date was set to be on Oct 10th..in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang.

Will continue in the next entry...

With love,
Sharifah

Timed Based Promotion

I have been in the teaching profession since 1991 teaching the English Language. As far as I can remember, I've never been charged of insubordination all these years and have tried to do my work to the best of my ability. I've made quite a number of achievements through out my teaching career; among others, I was the national champion in the Innovative Teaching and Learning in Mathematics Competition in 2004, awarded the Innovative Teacher award in 2005, my school team became the champion in the ICT research competition in 2006 and numerous others which I can't exactly remember the details. I was also offered a post in RECSAM, Penang as a researcher. However, all those became meaningless when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. Everything stopped. Halted. From then on, my life took a different turn. The direction of my life had to take a different bearing...I had to take a medical leave of 2 years which was entitled to government servants struck by cancer or leprosy. I was told that the 2 year medical leave would not affect my seniority, my pension or my chances of timed based promotion. Since it was an entitlement, and was also recommended by my Pengetua at the time, I went ahead and took my 2 year medical leave or, should I say my long vacation!! hahaha I came back to work in 2010 with a bit of reservation, not knowing what to expect now, not knowing how to carry myself now...since I had to come back to work as a handicapped. My biggest fear was to face the students..I had no confidence at all to face the students...my colleagues are great, they are very supportive...many took the trouble to try to understand me and tirelessly tried to convince me that they could understand me perfectly..but of course, I knew better. I knew how funny I sounded like.. When I started working again in 2010, the Pengetua gave me several tasks to be carried out...I was in charged of the Computer Room where I had to oversee the usage of the room and the computers. In 2011, I was placed in the school library along with another teacher. Since I'm not able to teach, I had to carry out administrative duties and coach a group of students in preparing for the KWN video competition. Fortunately, I had the chance to work with wonderful students who could not be bothered with my slurring speech. In 2012, I still continued my job in the library..and that was when I was due for my timed based promotion to DG48...I was asked to fill in the application form which I did...then, in May, I got a rude shock..my application for the DG48 promotion was not granted..I was denied my right for the promotion. I wondered whether that was because of my 2 year leave, but that could not be because the leave was an entitlement. Then, I decided to check on my annual appraisal marks...and I was hit with a much bigger shock..I was awarded 64 marks for 2008, 50 marks for 2009, 51 marks for 2010 and 71 marks for 2011. In 2008, I was on leave for the whole year and my marks was higher than 2010 when I came to work for the entire year....in 2009, I was also on leave for the whole year, and I got 50 marks..meaning that for the whole year that I came to work without fail, my work was only evaluated to be 1 mark...because I was given 51 marks in 2010..It has never occurred to me that anybody in the right mind would do this to another human being..and especially in my case, I was not informed at all what I had done wrong... Can someone out there please explain the logic of it all??? I have appealed my case through several channels, but it seems that nobody could do anything about it...many have voiced their sympathy but it stopped there...nobody is able to go beyond that....it looks like the fate of teachers lies solely in the hands of the Penolong Kanan Pentadbiran (the first evaluator).. and I really feel what happened to me was an injustice and a mockery to the appraisal system... I decided to write this entry because I feel that government servants, especially teachers, must be made aware that something like this could happen to them too..so, fellow teachers, please insist to see your marks first before signing the appraisal form...I learnt my lesson the hard way... With love, Sharifah

SHOULD THERE BE AN EMERGENCY.....

We often see relief centers whenever there is an emergency such as floods, earthquakes, and most recent was the Lahad Datu incident. These relief centers function as temporary accommodation for the victims that could add to thousands. These victims who are forced to leave their homes would be cramped together in schools or public halls. Usually, when these happen, donations and aids would come pouring in, in the form of clothings, food, blankets, medications and so on. When I was watching the news the other day about how the villagers from Kg. Tanduo, lived in the relief centers, with their children running around, how they slept on the floor, how they washed their clothes, had their meals, my heart really went out to them. I could just imagine how miserable they must have felt. Most of them left all their belongings and got there with just whatever they had on their backs. I could not help imagining if I were to be in their position. The first thing that came to my mind was, how would I take my food??? I would have left my blender and my foodstuff behind for fear of the intruders. And I would also have left behind the tube I use to pour down my food. I would have to go for days without any food..I shuddered when the thought crossed my mind. My survival now is greatly dependent on my PEG tube and it is like my lifeline and I'm really thankful to whoever that came with this idea of a PEG tube. Or else, many people like me would have died of malnutrition instead of cancer..... With Love, Sharifah

Socialising

Just the other day, I read Dr. Swill's blog, an entry about leading a life as a tongue cancer survivor. He had a very successful life before cancer. At a young age of 24, he was already an owner of three pizza franchises and he did not look back. However, his good and successful life was significantly altered when he was diagnosed with tongue cancer and had his tongue removed. But thankfully, after a few years of struggling with some major and minor operations and a series of treatments, he got back on his feet, but sadly, has to face the world with slurred speech and altered appearance. Well, a tongue cancer survivor is different than survivors of other types of cancers. A breast cancer survivor, for instance, does not have to deal with social issues as much. She can speak or take her food without inviting stares from those around her. It does not really affect her social life. And a lot of time, nobody even realise that she had had breast cancer before without her revealing it. But for tongue cancer survivor, especially those who underwent total glossectomy, the repercussions are quite serious. It could really affect your self confidence you tend to get emotionally upset when you can't express yourself as well as before. Sometime, you are wrongly understood. For some people, it takes a lot of patience on their part to make sense of what you are trying to say. And this can cause a lot of awkwardness in a social scene. There have been a few times that I noticed some people being uneasy for not understanding what I say but either too embarrased to ask me to repeat or too worried that I might get offended. So, they pretend as if they understand it by nodding or providing inappropriate responses. And me, also either too embarrassed to repeat myself or afraid that I would make them feel uncomfortable, or I might waste their time, just go along with them, pretending that, yes, thats what I meant to say. But, from their body language I could tell that they had no idea what I was saying but too polite to admit. However, this seldom happens with friends or people who are already used to my way of speaking. Alhamdulillah... But then, there are also times when I thought that people don't understand me when they actually do.....and it irritates them when I keep on asking..."do u understand what i'm saying?"..or "faham tak ni?".. Sharifah, with love...

Father

There he was, sitting facing the front door willing her to walk in. She had not been back for months but promised to come to Bangsar to meet him and his wife. They drove all the way from Kedah to his sister's house first thing in the morning just to meet her. He missed his beloved daughter terribly. Where is she? She said she would be here. The clock ticked by....one hour...two hours...four hours...still no sign of her... He got up, had a cup of coffee...stretched..then sat again with his eyes still fixed on the door..watching the knob..hoping it would turn or hoping to hear a knock... Finally....maghrib azan could be heard but she was still not there...His heart sank. His wife watched him helplessly..she did not know how to cheer him up for she herself was heartbroken..it was such a heartwrenching moment..too painful to watch.. That incident was narrated by her aunty to her when she arrived the next morning.....she cried, really cried... To her abah, she was really, really sorry for putting him through the agony...and she promised to herself that she will never, ever disappoint him again.

Arwah (Late) Grandmother

She was fast asleep on a mattress on the floor. It was past midnight. The small boy and his father came into the room and woke her. The father said: "Mak, bangun, ni tilam James. Mak kena bagi tilam ni dekat dia. Kalau tidak dia tak boleh tidur." ("Mother, wake up, this is James' mattress. You have to give this mattress to him. Or else he won't be able to sleep.") Startled, and sleepily, she got up and handed the sponge mattress to them. Father and son then just left her sleeping on the mengkuang mat. And I was there, watching the whole scene with tears trickling down my cheeks. That was, I think 40 years ago and its still clear in my mind and I'm sure it will stay affixed in my mind till the day I go. That loving woman who was my grandmother passed away when I was fifteen.

WHICH ONE IS WORSE?

Everytime I come across someone who is physically handicapped, such as a person with amputated leg, or blind, or deaf, I always ask myself; would I want to trade places with them? Am I more fortunate compared to them? At least, they can be still be sociable. When people see a blind person, they know what to expect, that is, this person can't see. Or this person has to depend on clutches or prosthesis to walk around. But, for people like me, who look just like any other normal people, strangers are bound to be surprised when you start talking. And what do they do when they are surprise? Yes, they stare at you. Wondering, what is wrong with this lady...because you sound funny. I was once asked by a stranger whether I had stroke when he heard me talking. The situation is even worse when there are children around you because children cannot hide what they feel. They would just scrutinize you in awe. And what if they see you eating through the PEG for the first time? They would not be able to take their eyes off you, rite? Well, pouring my food down in public is something that I haven't got the guts to do just yet..even now, after 3 years... Cheers!!!

The Month Of Ramadhan

It is that time of the year again. The first day of Ramadhan. This is the fifth Ramadhan for me since I lost my tongue, alhamdulillah. My first was in 2008. I was still in the ward, with my maid of 6 years. My family, hbby and the kids (Abg, Hakim and Ismail) would come to the ward and break the fast with me about two or three times a week. They brought all kinds of delicacies to the hospital; laksa, cendol, chicken rice, and all. I just watched them from my hospital bed enjoying the food. For me, I had my ensure milk. I never thought before my ordeal that watching your loved ones enjoying their food could be that satisfying. And indeed I love watching them eat. When it was Ramadhan in 2009, I was back at home. Nope, I went for umrah and spent the first two weeks in the holy land. That was when I almost had gastric for going without food for too long. Since then, I’ve been taking great care when it comes to my food intake. In 2010, I started working again. I was back at school as a non-teaching teacher. That was the year when my first son, Abg, started a new chapter in his life, college life. He went to JMTI, Japan Malaysia Technical Institute. That was the first time for him to be away from home. Initially, it was a bit hard for me. However, since the college is just nearby, it was not that bad. He comes home every weekend and now he is home much more often. And now, today, the first day of Ramadhan for 2012, we are in Malacca, sending my second son, Hakim to UniKL Alor Gajah. He is going to study Chemical Engineering. I am writing this from our hotel room. Every body else is napping, and I suddenly visualise what is going to happen tomorrow, when we say goodbye to him. Tears just trickle down my cheeks. I’m not going to see his jovial face again every nite. I won’t be screaming at him again in the morning waking him up. I won’t have him massaging my feet again. I can just imagine how quiet our house is going to be. My son, is going to be on his own now. Abg Ngah, my prayers will always be with you. I can’t be with you now. I know you are capable of doing a lot of things in your life. I believe you will go far in life. Just don’t forget to pray and always remember that Allah always listens to our prayers. with love, Umie

PIC OF DEWAN 2

PICS OF DEWAN IN MY TAMAN, TMN MEWAH N TMN SALAD

Hey Listen Carefully When I'm Talking To You

I was having trouble with my internet connection a few weeks ago. So, I called up our service provider, the 100 number, that is the number for telekom malaysia to make a report. When the telecom guy answered, I tried my best to speak as clearly as possible to make the complain. Well, my son was around, however, I prefer to do it myself. After telling him what the problem was, he then asked me whether I was in the middle of my meal. Before I could say anything else, he just said, could you finish your lunch first, and call us back? And I said, no, I want to talk to you now!! And I couldn't be bothered to explain my situation......

My First Day

It was in February 1978. My father drove me to SMS Tuanku Syed Putra, Kangar, Perlis. I was sad to leave my family for the very first time, worried, for not knowing what to expect staying in a boarding school, yet, excited to start a brand new life there. When we reached the school, my father and I walked into the school office and were greeted and warmly welcomed by the Penolong Kanan, Mr Othman Mat, who happened to be my dad's old friend. He briefed us on the school and then, he called one of the female prefects to help me settle. After a few minutes, a prefect who introduced herself as Jasimah appeared at the office. She greeted us smilingly and invited me to come with her. On the way to the hostel she told me that she was in Form 5. And I was in Form 4. I was taken to a dorm on second floor and unpacked my things and arranged them in the locker beside my bed. After getting myself settled sis Jasimah took to back to the office and then she left for her class. That was when I bid my father goodbye with tears rolling down my cheeks after kissing his hand. I stood there, trembling as I watched his car slowly moving away away towards the main gate... I was then taken to 4 Sc 1 by a very beautiful Pn Khatijah, the class teacher, who was also teaching Geography. She then introduced me to my new classmates. I still remember how I was welcomed by those friendly faces Jane, Jana, Khairul, Chempawan, Jas, Fauziah...who later became my close friends. Then I was taken to the text book store by our class monitor, Shukri. He helped me carry my textbooks back to class, much to the excitement of the whole class because it seemed that we looked perfect together as both of us walked into the class with my books. I was short and so was he....I heard that he is now well rounded...hahahah.... Thats what i was told later on by the girls. Well I suppose being in a boarding school, we tend to get excited over things, no matter how trivial it is....

An Interesting Story

Just recently, I came across an enlightening story from this blog...still thinking. This is how the story goes:

Only One Move :: Awesome Short Story




A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei,"(Teacher in Japanese) the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?" "This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.

Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament.

Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.

He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened. "No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue." Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament.

He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

Al-Fatihah...Goodbye, My Beloved Grandma

My grandmother passed away at 8.20 am, 8 Feb 2012 after being bedridden for about four months at the age of 86. She was the woman who took care of my father after the death of her sister who was my father's mother. My real grandmother, that is, my father's real mother passed away when he was only 7 at a very young age. After that, my grandfather married the younger sister. So, as far as we are concerned, she was our grandmother.

She was a very healthy woman in her better days which spanned from birth up to four months ago. She very seldom got sick, not even having common cold like we often do. Never once was she warded, even during her childbirths which were 6 times. She was a very energetic lady. She would be the person calling the shots in almost every family events such as weddings, kenduri, or any other family gatherings.

Her cooking, yess, her masak lemak and gulai tempoyak is simply unparalled. What I remember most is her masak lemak cili api maman with ikan bilis...hmmmmm

BATTLE OF EMOTIONS

The best line of defense in a war within yourself in the battle of emotions is NOT TO CARE. When you succeed in finetuning your system into an "I COULDN'T CARE LESS" attitude, you have actually installed a strong solid shield against the feeling of helplessness when it comes to matters of the heart....

Pregnant Fireman??

21st Nov 2011 marked my forth year of leading a cancer free life. Being cancer free does not mean being free of the agony of the possibility of facing it all over again. Cancer has and always be at the back of my mind. However, that has not deterred me from enjoying life.

This morning I couldn’t help smiling to myself as a flash of an incident came to my mind as I was brushing my teeth. At the time, I was a bubbly English teacher. One of my students wrote about a pregnant fireman.

This was a part of what he wrote which was towards the end of his story:
The house was engulfed in flames and black smoke was smothering the onlookers. Every one was waiting in suspense. The fireman just rushed inside the burning house after the mother cried and screamed uncontrollably. Her baby was still inside. It happened so fast. The rescuers had to drag her out not realizing that the baby was still there.
Finally, at long last, everyone let out a sigh of relief, phuuuhhhh!!. The fireman came out, pregnant……..
I then called the boy and asked why he said the man was pregnant.
“Pregnant means carrying a baby, right teacher?”

Well, at least I know that I did a good job in the previous lesson on vocabulary, right????

BALI, INDONESIA

Hi and salam,

I am now in Bali, Indonesia waiting for my sister in-law having her facial. I just had a foot massage..it was awesome… cost me just Rp55000 for an hour of massage which came to about RM20. Earlier on, we took a stroll down Kuta Beach. It is no wonder Bali is the place to be if you long for white sandy beach and crystal clear water. Oh…we have lots of beaches in Malaysia, but I would say that Bali is different. While we were there relaxing, there was an announcement, well, an instruction; to be exact directed to the snack and drink vendors on the beach to bring their garbage bags, garbage containers and rakes to the edge of the ocean and collect all the rubbish along the beach. And they willingly did it...which i think is just amazing..

A flash of pantai merdeka came into mind...the laksa and rojak stalls all over the place and rubbish scattered while the sellers just stay put waiting for the majlis people to clear the place...hmmmmmm

POLYGAMY? NO WAY!!!

He goes out every nite and he meets the beautiful, young girl everytime..This has been going on for a long while. Her friends have been advising her to end the marriage because there's really no point in going on with it. Whenever confronted, he never gives her a straight answer.. denying, denying, denying...but she knows whats going on. Therefore, discussion is out. There's no end to it. She has lost her faith in him and has also lost her faith in the marriage. What kind of marriage life is this when he has his heart with the other woman? How can she perform her wifely duties sincerely with the blessings from Allah when her heart is full of hatred for him?

This other woman actually has a strong hold on him. Just by batting an eyelid, he would go crawling to her and be at her service. Its like 'your wish is my command!"

What should she do? Allow him to marry her and share him with the other woman? No way! Not that she's against polygamy...polygamy is ok as long as she's not the wife because she has a good, valid reason for it. Her health. If she contracts HIV from her husband who might have got it from this other woman, who's going to be responsible? Nope, she's not going to allow that to happen to her...husband sharing is just out of question.

Her health comes first!!!!