Hello,
I just got news that a fellow cancer survivor, Robert Pemberton or Bob left this planet on 28th October after fighting a hard and long battle with tongue cancer. He was one of the followers of this blog. He sent his comments several times with his encouraging and kind words. His blog which is maintained by his wife Joyce is linked to mine. No words could express my feelings upon receiving the news. He was such a strong and caring man who accepted his fate bravely and calmly. This was expressed by Joyce so eloquently in their blog. And I’m sure his passing has hit her hard...but, I’m also sure that being a strong woman herself and with the support and love she’s getting from the people around her, and with the faith she’s holding on to, she’ll be okay.
I've learnt a lot from this great guy through his experience and how he emotionally handled this vicious enemy within his body. He was a man of faith. Yes, I totally agree with him. You have to have faith. I can’t imagine myself battling this disease without having any faith in God. I mean, who can you cling on? Having this disease means you are fighting your own battle. Not even your loved ones can do anything to curtail it. If it decides to invade your body, it will. You can cry all you want. You can run amok all you want. You can curse all you want. It won’t make any difference where cancer cells are concerned because cancer has a mind of its own.
The only thing we, cancer victims can do are to cling on to the love from our family and friends and of course, FAITH. Having faith in the Almighty helps me face this ordeal and reading Bob’s blog really helps me cope with my own emotion in accepting what has been planned and what are in store for me.
Anyway, I feel truly blessed that I’ve got the chance to get to know this great man.
Goodbye, comrade! Rest in peace.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Where Are Our Priorities, Ladies?
Hello and salam to all,
I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm steaming mad. I'm hopping mad. I just read about the increasing number of Malaysian women diagnosed with breast cancer. Most of them, got to know about their condition at a later stage which makes it almost impossible to save their lives. When asked why they were late in getting themselves checked, most of their answers would be they were scared to be told about the diagnosis and prognosis. They were especially scared that the doctor might decide to perform a mastectomy and as a result their husbands might just leave them for other women or just walk away.
My goodness!! I can sure understand and empathize with the feeling of helplessness or the fear of the disease. But being worried about losing a husband because you have breast cancer and therefore refuse to seek help for this deadly disease is just beyond me.... How could you put your health and wellbeing second to your husband?? If he leaves you because you have no breast, why worry about it? You have your life to worry about. And your children who are counting on you for that matter. If he leaves you because you have breast cancer, well, so what? He can go to hell...you have no use for such a husband.
Please love yourself first...if he decides to leave you, he would leave you no matter what. With or without breast cancer...
To my sisters, please take care of yourselves.. your health is the most important thing in your life.
Bye, for now.
"Cancer Sucks"
I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm steaming mad. I'm hopping mad. I just read about the increasing number of Malaysian women diagnosed with breast cancer. Most of them, got to know about their condition at a later stage which makes it almost impossible to save their lives. When asked why they were late in getting themselves checked, most of their answers would be they were scared to be told about the diagnosis and prognosis. They were especially scared that the doctor might decide to perform a mastectomy and as a result their husbands might just leave them for other women or just walk away.
My goodness!! I can sure understand and empathize with the feeling of helplessness or the fear of the disease. But being worried about losing a husband because you have breast cancer and therefore refuse to seek help for this deadly disease is just beyond me.... How could you put your health and wellbeing second to your husband?? If he leaves you because you have no breast, why worry about it? You have your life to worry about. And your children who are counting on you for that matter. If he leaves you because you have breast cancer, well, so what? He can go to hell...you have no use for such a husband.
Please love yourself first...if he decides to leave you, he would leave you no matter what. With or without breast cancer...
To my sisters, please take care of yourselves.. your health is the most important thing in your life.
Bye, for now.
"Cancer Sucks"
Friday, October 30, 2009
How Significant Are We?
Salam again,
Last night, my thought lingered around my late aunt who passed on more than 20 years ago when I was studying the US. She had nerve cancer I think. It attacked her right thigh. It started with a pain on her thigh. She and every one else thought that it was because she was overweight and her weight strained her thigh. So, she went to the traditional medicine practitioner and he massaged her thigh. It didn't work. And her thigh became swollen. Then, she went to another one. She also went to the hospital. Nothing happened. And the swelling got worse. Finally, it got so huge and painful that she was unable to get up. Then, finally, she was taken to the Penang General Hospital where I stayed when I underwent my chemo and radio therapy treatments. When the doctor took the first look at her swollen thigh, he shook his head and right away ordered a biopsy and to everyone's dismay, it was confirmed stage IV cancer and there was little that could be done. Chemo was her only option.
That was long time ago. Chemo treatment was a lot harsher then. From what I heard from my mother, she would scream and writhe every time the chemo drug was injected into her vein and it was unbearable to watch her in such a pain. After a few injections of chemo drug, the doctor finally gave up and said that there was nothing that they could do and continuing with the treatment would only torture her without any positive outcome in sight. Then, her family took her home and she went to meet her maker a few weeks after that at the age of 36, al fatihah.
She is still remembered by those who were close to her. My mom would still be in tears whenever she talks about her sister. My mom said that at the time of her passing she was so frail and was down to half of her precancer size. I remember her as someone who is jovial, caring and warm. I could just walk into her house and tell her that I craved for this or that and voila! you can be sure for it to be on the table for the next meal.
After we die, how long will we be remembered? Or how will we be remembered? For most of us, ordinary people, me, in particular, if I were to leave this world now, I will most probably be vividly remembered by my husband, my children and friends for 5 years at the most. Hopefully my children will keep on praying for me through out their lives. My husband would most probably take up another wife in a snap. It will take much longer for my parents. After that, most probably life will just go on and everybody will be bogged down by their daily tasks and activities and very soon, I will just exist in a small compartment of their memories. And as for my childrens' children, I would be almost non-existent to them. As they say time heals all wounds. And thats the way it should. I mean I would not want people to mourn for me for too long. I want them to get on with their lives and pray for me whenever they can.
Why am I talking like this? Please don't get me wrong. I'm not planning to die just yet. I'm just thinking of how insignificant we all are..I mean let's face it, how many of us are Michael Jacksons? Elvis Presleys? P.Ramlees? or great Philosophers or world leaders? These people are remembered generations after generations for their great achievements. However, people like Hitler are also remembered generations after generations for different reasons.
For the rest of us, after we are gone, we will only be remembered by people from our present or perhaps the next generation only. After that, it would be as if we never existed in this world...
Bye, for now.
May my aunt rest in peace and her soul embraced in Allah's love and mercy. Amin
"Cancer Sucks!"
Last night, my thought lingered around my late aunt who passed on more than 20 years ago when I was studying the US. She had nerve cancer I think. It attacked her right thigh. It started with a pain on her thigh. She and every one else thought that it was because she was overweight and her weight strained her thigh. So, she went to the traditional medicine practitioner and he massaged her thigh. It didn't work. And her thigh became swollen. Then, she went to another one. She also went to the hospital. Nothing happened. And the swelling got worse. Finally, it got so huge and painful that she was unable to get up. Then, finally, she was taken to the Penang General Hospital where I stayed when I underwent my chemo and radio therapy treatments. When the doctor took the first look at her swollen thigh, he shook his head and right away ordered a biopsy and to everyone's dismay, it was confirmed stage IV cancer and there was little that could be done. Chemo was her only option.
That was long time ago. Chemo treatment was a lot harsher then. From what I heard from my mother, she would scream and writhe every time the chemo drug was injected into her vein and it was unbearable to watch her in such a pain. After a few injections of chemo drug, the doctor finally gave up and said that there was nothing that they could do and continuing with the treatment would only torture her without any positive outcome in sight. Then, her family took her home and she went to meet her maker a few weeks after that at the age of 36, al fatihah.
She is still remembered by those who were close to her. My mom would still be in tears whenever she talks about her sister. My mom said that at the time of her passing she was so frail and was down to half of her precancer size. I remember her as someone who is jovial, caring and warm. I could just walk into her house and tell her that I craved for this or that and voila! you can be sure for it to be on the table for the next meal.
After we die, how long will we be remembered? Or how will we be remembered? For most of us, ordinary people, me, in particular, if I were to leave this world now, I will most probably be vividly remembered by my husband, my children and friends for 5 years at the most. Hopefully my children will keep on praying for me through out their lives. My husband would most probably take up another wife in a snap. It will take much longer for my parents. After that, most probably life will just go on and everybody will be bogged down by their daily tasks and activities and very soon, I will just exist in a small compartment of their memories. And as for my childrens' children, I would be almost non-existent to them. As they say time heals all wounds. And thats the way it should. I mean I would not want people to mourn for me for too long. I want them to get on with their lives and pray for me whenever they can.
Why am I talking like this? Please don't get me wrong. I'm not planning to die just yet. I'm just thinking of how insignificant we all are..I mean let's face it, how many of us are Michael Jacksons? Elvis Presleys? P.Ramlees? or great Philosophers or world leaders? These people are remembered generations after generations for their great achievements. However, people like Hitler are also remembered generations after generations for different reasons.
For the rest of us, after we are gone, we will only be remembered by people from our present or perhaps the next generation only. After that, it would be as if we never existed in this world...
Bye, for now.
May my aunt rest in peace and her soul embraced in Allah's love and mercy. Amin
"Cancer Sucks!"
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Mecca
The day for me to leave for Mecca finally arrived. I was very excited and looking forward to the trip. I went with a friend. I was still on tube feeding meaning that I took in my food through a stomach tube which was inserted directly into my stomach. It was quite troublesome when you are on a long journey. And it was a long journey. The flight from Penang to Jeddah took 12 hours. I could only take water and light soup in that 12 hour flight. It was on Friday, August 21st. When we reached Jeddah, we were stuck at the Immigration for 5 hours and I still could not get any food into my hungry tummy.
After getting through the immigration, we hopped into a bus which took us on another 5 hour journey to Medina. I could only manage to put in a glass of fruit juice into my stomach on the bus. We reached Medina after dawn. Then, we got into our rooms. It was the first day of Ramadan and I made a big mistake fasting. I still felt okay and amazed at myself at how well my body tolerated the hunger pangs. On that day itself, along with a few others, I walked to the Nabawi Mosque to pray. Wow, the mosque was really breathtaking. I can't even begin to describe it. We visited the tombs of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. and his friends; Saidina Abu Bakar As-Siddiq and Saidina Umar Al-Khattab, and prayed for them. I was doing fine until the time for iftar. No problem and I even bragged about it.
On the second night, we were off to Mecca to perform the umrah. We had to put on our ihram attire meaning that the clothes will have to cover the whole body except the face and palms. We had to put a head scarf as well to cover up our hair. There are also certain restrictions that need to be observed when you are in ihram attire or your umrah would be nullified.
On the way to Mecca, we stopped at Bir Ali for the ihram sunnah prayer and to express our intention for ihram. Then, we headed straight to Mecca, stopping on the way for subuh prayer. When we reached Mecca, it was already about 9 am and it was scorching hot. We were given our rooms and instructed to come down at about 11 am to do the tawaf and saie at the Masjidil Haram. We walked into Masjidil Haram through the Babussalam entrance. Thats the entrance used by Prophet Muhammad when he entered the mosque. We headed straight to the Kaabah to perform the tawaf. When I looked at the Kaabah I was overwhelmed by emotion. This is the qiblat for our daily prayers. Meaning that this is the direction we face when we perform our prayers. And here I am, feeling very fortunate to be given the chance to look at it for real, with my own two eyes. I felt so small in front of Allah.
I took the opportunity to pray for my good health, good life, my family, my parents, friends and other cancer sufferers.
The tawaf, amazingly was not that tiring. Fortunately, there were not too many people. Probably because it was just the first week of Ramadan. I managed to touch the Hijir Ismail and kept on praying until we completed the seven rounds of tawaf. Then, we were set for the saie where we have to walk or brisk walk to and from Safa and Marwah 7 times. This is to emulate what Siti Hajar did looking for water when her son the Prophet Ismail was crying of thirst at Marwah. I felt so weak and tired after the 4th trip and thought that I would pass out. I prayed to Allah to give me the strength to complete the saie. At the same time, I was thinking of Siti Hajar running to and from the Safa and Marwah under the hot sun, barefoot on the dessert gravel and sand. That thought really kept me going and finally I managed to complete the saie.
On the next day, I went to do another round of tawaf and saie. Managed to perform the terrawih prayers in Masjidil Haram. Alhamdulillah. However, that night I was hit with a severe waves of diarrhea and nausea. I had very bad stomach ache. The next morning I started throwing up and I could not fast. By afternoon, I started throwing up tea-like liquid. It could be blood from my stomach. Then, I could not stand it anymore and requested to be taken to the hospital.
I was worried that my cancer might have attacked my stomach. At the hospital, the doctor did a blood test and infused 2 pints of saline. Alhamdulillah the test came back ok. My blood was alright. The doctor suspected that I've got a very mild ulcer. Probably due to the long hours I went without food on the long journey. He prescribed some medication and I've been alright since then. And everything was just smoothsailing after that.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
What Do We Teach Our Children?
In many cultures, politeness is of utmost importance, especially among children. In inculcating such values to the children, parents often scare the children by saying things like, "if you like to curse, or say bad things to others or simply being rude to others, one day god will cut your tongue off". Another tendency is to tell the children that if they stick their tongues out to others, god will also cut their tongues off. We hope that by saying so, children will hold their tongues and not embarrass you in front of friends or stranger.
One day, an old friend, along with her niece came to visit me. With my slurring speech, we talked about a lot of things. Her niece was watching me intently, probably wondering why I slurred. Then, she blurted out, "Pasal apa makcik cakap macam tu?" or "Why are you talking like that?". So, my friend explained that I had no tongue. She asked why. My friend explained again that my tongue was diseased and the doctor had to cut it off. Then, the talkative 3 year old girl asked again, "Makcik dulu suka maki orang ka?" or "Did you like to curse others?". There you go. It hit me hard because this is what most of us tend to teach our children. We tend to take the shortcut instead of explaining to them that cursing people is just plain rude and rude people will not have many friends. My friend was so embarrassed and apologised to me profusely. How should you answer that innocent child? After all, that's what the adults have been hammering into her head all these years! Then, I said that its ok because its not her fault. I was sincere.
Fortunately, none of my three children are that talkative. Whenever they are curious about someone, they would wait until we are alone and ask. That gives me a chance to explain to them properly. Even in my case, they just accept me as I am and I have no problem communicating with them about my current physical condition. Alhamdulillah.
Long after that, my friend called again to apologise should her beloved niece offended me in any way. I said that I am beyond care about how people see me or what they think about the way I look or the way I speak. I went on to say that I can't afford to be offended because if I do, I can't survive and I am not about to surrender to such things. I just have to face it. And now, I can really empathize with those physically handicapped people and how tough it is just to be looked upon and treated like normal people. And to make matters worse, some people would just say to you point blank that you are being punished for something bad that you have done in the past.....
I would like to take this opportunity to wish the muslims Selamat Hari Raya and may this eid be a joyous one for all.
Sorry, I'm supposed to talk about my trip to Mecca recently. However, I got sidetracked by this issue about education our children. Next entry, I promise.
Bye, for now.
Sharifah
"Canccer Sucks"
One day, an old friend, along with her niece came to visit me. With my slurring speech, we talked about a lot of things. Her niece was watching me intently, probably wondering why I slurred. Then, she blurted out, "Pasal apa makcik cakap macam tu?" or "Why are you talking like that?". So, my friend explained that I had no tongue. She asked why. My friend explained again that my tongue was diseased and the doctor had to cut it off. Then, the talkative 3 year old girl asked again, "Makcik dulu suka maki orang ka?" or "Did you like to curse others?". There you go. It hit me hard because this is what most of us tend to teach our children. We tend to take the shortcut instead of explaining to them that cursing people is just plain rude and rude people will not have many friends. My friend was so embarrassed and apologised to me profusely. How should you answer that innocent child? After all, that's what the adults have been hammering into her head all these years! Then, I said that its ok because its not her fault. I was sincere.
Fortunately, none of my three children are that talkative. Whenever they are curious about someone, they would wait until we are alone and ask. That gives me a chance to explain to them properly. Even in my case, they just accept me as I am and I have no problem communicating with them about my current physical condition. Alhamdulillah.
Long after that, my friend called again to apologise should her beloved niece offended me in any way. I said that I am beyond care about how people see me or what they think about the way I look or the way I speak. I went on to say that I can't afford to be offended because if I do, I can't survive and I am not about to surrender to such things. I just have to face it. And now, I can really empathize with those physically handicapped people and how tough it is just to be looked upon and treated like normal people. And to make matters worse, some people would just say to you point blank that you are being punished for something bad that you have done in the past.....
I would like to take this opportunity to wish the muslims Selamat Hari Raya and may this eid be a joyous one for all.
Sorry, I'm supposed to talk about my trip to Mecca recently. However, I got sidetracked by this issue about education our children. Next entry, I promise.
Bye, for now.
Sharifah
"Canccer Sucks"
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Career Change
Salam to all,
I know that I haven't updated my blog for quite a while. You know what they say, no news is good news? Well, in my case, that is true. The good news is that I'm doing just fine. I feel fine and life is just great.
I've been quite busy these past few weeks. After I went for my follow up last month, I attended a course in translation. Since there's a very slim probability of me going back to teaching like those pre cancer days, I decided to make a turn in my career into translation work. So, I attended the translation course in Institut Terjemahan Negara in Kuala Lumpur. The course went on for about 2 weeks. It was a rather enlightening experience.
I was quite nervous at first because I did not know what to expect from strangers (coursemates) considering my slurring speech. I didn't want their pity. What if they could not understand me?
Well, after the first day went by, I realised that all that worries were for nothing. Everyone was wonderful. I could converse just as normal as everybody else even though I sounded different. Unique. I commanded full attention from others since they had to really listen carefully to what I had to say..hahaha or else it would have been their loss...
The course was over on 1st August. And I flew back to Kedah. Then, I got busy with the translation projects I have been getting from a dear friend continuously (god bless him) up to the time to leave for Mecca to perform Umrah. I left for Mecca on the 21st of August. So, you see, I've been on my toes and could not find the time to update this blog. However, I read the comments coming in wholeheatedly and guiltily. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.
I'll be talking about my trip to Mecca in my next entry.
Bye, for now
"Cancer Sucks"
I know that I haven't updated my blog for quite a while. You know what they say, no news is good news? Well, in my case, that is true. The good news is that I'm doing just fine. I feel fine and life is just great.
I've been quite busy these past few weeks. After I went for my follow up last month, I attended a course in translation. Since there's a very slim probability of me going back to teaching like those pre cancer days, I decided to make a turn in my career into translation work. So, I attended the translation course in Institut Terjemahan Negara in Kuala Lumpur. The course went on for about 2 weeks. It was a rather enlightening experience.
I was quite nervous at first because I did not know what to expect from strangers (coursemates) considering my slurring speech. I didn't want their pity. What if they could not understand me?
Well, after the first day went by, I realised that all that worries were for nothing. Everyone was wonderful. I could converse just as normal as everybody else even though I sounded different. Unique. I commanded full attention from others since they had to really listen carefully to what I had to say..hahaha or else it would have been their loss...
The course was over on 1st August. And I flew back to Kedah. Then, I got busy with the translation projects I have been getting from a dear friend continuously (god bless him) up to the time to leave for Mecca to perform Umrah. I left for Mecca on the 21st of August. So, you see, I've been on my toes and could not find the time to update this blog. However, I read the comments coming in wholeheatedly and guiltily. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.
I'll be talking about my trip to Mecca in my next entry.
Bye, for now
"Cancer Sucks"
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Update
Assalamualaikum my friends,
When I walked into the doctor's office the other day for my follow up, he was so happy to see me because I'd put on weight. In two months, my weight had increased by 3 kg. I am proud to say that my weight is now 48 kg, even more than it was before cancer.
He checked inside my mouth and declared that everything looks ok. However, he also said that I have to be on the look out all the time for any change at all in the oral cavity because should there be any recurrence, they would want to catch it as early as possible. He went on and said that from his experience, for a young patient like me with no risk factor, a lot of time, a recurrence results in losing the battle. It seems that there nothing we can do to prevent the recurrence. So, what should I do now? Just wait for the time??
Ouch! ..that was like a smack in the face. After a few seconds, I thought to myself, well, if its time to go, you go. But before the time comes, before my time is up, there are a lot of things I can do. Thinking about it is also useless and a waste of time. Life goes on.
Oh yes, I am going to finish up the book I've started writing. And maybe do some travelling. Why not? I am not bedridden. Hey, life is great..
Bye, for now.
"Always stay awake because cancer never sleeps"
When I walked into the doctor's office the other day for my follow up, he was so happy to see me because I'd put on weight. In two months, my weight had increased by 3 kg. I am proud to say that my weight is now 48 kg, even more than it was before cancer.
He checked inside my mouth and declared that everything looks ok. However, he also said that I have to be on the look out all the time for any change at all in the oral cavity because should there be any recurrence, they would want to catch it as early as possible. He went on and said that from his experience, for a young patient like me with no risk factor, a lot of time, a recurrence results in losing the battle. It seems that there nothing we can do to prevent the recurrence. So, what should I do now? Just wait for the time??
Ouch! ..that was like a smack in the face. After a few seconds, I thought to myself, well, if its time to go, you go. But before the time comes, before my time is up, there are a lot of things I can do. Thinking about it is also useless and a waste of time. Life goes on.
Oh yes, I am going to finish up the book I've started writing. And maybe do some travelling. Why not? I am not bedridden. Hey, life is great..
Bye, for now.
"Always stay awake because cancer never sleeps"
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