Salam,
Many friends have suggested that I write a novel to educate the public on what I've been through. After giving it a lot of thoughts, I finally sat down and tried to write something. I'm proud to say that I've written about 60 pages of the it already. I still have a long way to go. But I hope to finish it one fine day and able to declare myself a novelist...hahaha... Please pray for that to happen, folks! I'd like to share a small but meaningful partof what I've written with you. Comments are greatly appreciated.
True to his words, Fahmi got there before 9.00 am. She was ready to go home for the weekend. Since there was no radiotherapy during weekends, the doctors agreed to let her go home. Fahmi took her bags and off they went. Penang General Hospital had always been busy with patients, nurses, doctors, visitors coming and going. The parking lots were almost always full. So, they had to make a long walk to the car because Fahmi had to park the car at the very end of the hospital compound. The children were so happy to see her, especially Shumael. Shumael was a bit shocked when he saw her because her chin and neck area looked slightly brownish because by then she already had 5 zaps of radiation. That night, she could not sleep. She could feel her phlegm filling her throat.
She had to get up at least twice to clear her throat of the phlegm. This was to be expected. The radiation had messed up the salivary gland which resulted in dry mouth. Her saliva became thick. She could not swallow the phlegm because it was so thick that it stuck to the throat like glue.
“Are you okay, love? Do you need anything?” She was coughing violently. Fahmi rubbed her back gently. God, she looked and felt so fragile that he was worried that he might hurt her. He could feel her back bone. Saffiya just nodded. He thought of the days when she was just out of the ICU. That was when the after effect of general anaesthesia started affecting her respiratory tract. There was a lot of phlegm and she was coughing and coughing trying to clear her throat but it was difficult because phlegm was too thick. So, the nurse had to suck the phlegm out using a suction machine. A straw like tube was inserted into the trachy hole through her throat into the trachea. And she would cough painfully until tears streamed down her cheeks. It was heart wrenching to watch. But it had to be done or she would not be able to breathe because the phlegm would block the windpipe.
But here, in their house, without the suction machine, the only way for her to get rid of it, was to use a piece of tissue wrapped around her forefinger and stick it into her mouth until it touched the phlegm. Then, she pulled out the tissue along with the phlegm that stuck to the tissue. This had become a nightly ritual for weeks and weeks after that. After her throat was clear, she took Fahmi's hand and kissed it and they held each other well into the night, wishing that morning would never come.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Being Handicapped
Hello everybody,
I know that I haven't been blogging for quite sometime. I'm still around and kicking. Just that things have been quite busy nowadays and not to mention plain laziness! Let's not forget that...
Something happened yesterday that triggered me to blog again. I heard in the news that unemployment level among the handicaps in Malaysia is quite high. Many of them are not self supportive and have to rely on others for their basic needs. These people have been trained to do a lot of things like handicrafts, cooking, sewing, typing and a lot of other skills, but still, remained unemployed.
One of the reasons discussed was that most of them are suffering from serious inferiority complex. They are just afraid to go out there to face the world. They don't have the confidence to face people with their crutches, wheelchairs or glass eyes. They can't stand the looks that they get from normal people. And its not uncommon for children to just point at them.
I, for one, can surely relate to them. I can just feel what they are feeling. Being handicapped you can tell yourself a thousand times that you can do what others can do. You are just like the rest. You are not alone in this world. There are many others who fare a lot worse than you. But, the fact remains....YOU ARE HANDICAPPED!! And just being handicapped, you tend to lose out and have to compromise a lot of things.
If you can rise above all that, and face the world with your head held high, I believe that you can survive anything under the sky...and hats off to you!
I know that I haven't been blogging for quite sometime. I'm still around and kicking. Just that things have been quite busy nowadays and not to mention plain laziness! Let's not forget that...
Something happened yesterday that triggered me to blog again. I heard in the news that unemployment level among the handicaps in Malaysia is quite high. Many of them are not self supportive and have to rely on others for their basic needs. These people have been trained to do a lot of things like handicrafts, cooking, sewing, typing and a lot of other skills, but still, remained unemployed.
One of the reasons discussed was that most of them are suffering from serious inferiority complex. They are just afraid to go out there to face the world. They don't have the confidence to face people with their crutches, wheelchairs or glass eyes. They can't stand the looks that they get from normal people. And its not uncommon for children to just point at them.
I, for one, can surely relate to them. I can just feel what they are feeling. Being handicapped you can tell yourself a thousand times that you can do what others can do. You are just like the rest. You are not alone in this world. There are many others who fare a lot worse than you. But, the fact remains....YOU ARE HANDICAPPED!! And just being handicapped, you tend to lose out and have to compromise a lot of things.
If you can rise above all that, and face the world with your head held high, I believe that you can survive anything under the sky...and hats off to you!
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy New Year
Salam and hello again everybody,
The new year has just started. The curtains for 2009 has just fallen. Last year at this time, I put up my wishes for 2009. They were:
1. Be able to speak clearly.
2. Be able to enjoy food like before.
3. Be able to go for haj next year.
4. Be cancer free.
Up to now, I'd say two and a half of my wishes were granted. For the first wish, I've been told quite often that I sound a lot clearer than I did last year. I realise too, that I don't have to repeat myself that often any more. My family and friends can understand me almost perfectly, even over the phone. What about the second wish? Nope, not yet. I'm still relying on Peggy, the good old Peggy. This one, I don't know, maybe this wish is a bit unrealistic. However, I haven't given up hope yet, especially after reading DrSwill's blog Beyond The Glass Door on how far he has come after having total glossectomy about 2 years ago, I think. He is now able to enjoy anything on the table. And he even gobbled some slices of turkey on thanksgiving and a piece of mouthwatering steak on Christmas. Well, what do you know?? Miracles do happen!! Going for haj? Not yet, but I did go for umrah. For me, that's good enough because I really wanted to go to Mecca, the holy land. And lastly, being cancer free. Yes, I got that. I'd been cancer free through out 2009. What more could I ask for? For a cancer survivor, that's the best gift you can ever wish for. Life without cancer really makes life without a tongue sounds heavenly. Hey, your life or your tongue? I'd choose my life anytime.
Many people stricken with cancer claim that having cancer is the best thing that ever happens to them. They say that they are now closer to god, they have found love in the family and among friends and how much they appreciate little things in life. For me, you don't have to have cancer in order to be close to god or appreciate your close friends and family. You don't have to have cancer to make new friends. You can always pause for a few minutes in your busy schedule to reflect on what you are missing in your life or to appreciate how fortunate you are to be granted good health and to thank god for that. Just take a few minutes to ponder on the less fortunate people and how they struggle to survive. You don't have to wait for cancer to knock on your door to do all that because cancer really sucks!! Just be happy and thankful (bersyukur) that you are granted a good life while not forgetting the suffering ones.
I was watching Michael J. Fox the other day on Oprah show. He has been living with Parkinson for 18 years. His head and limbs were shaking almost all the time. Its amazing to see how normal he leads his life. When he played ice hockey, no one could tell that he's having Parkinson. He was asked about how he feels to be stared at by people every time he goes in public. He said that he can't afford to be affected by that and he has come to terms with the fact that it is something that he has to live with and it doesn't bother him anymore. And he is a celebrity!!
For 2010 and beyond, I wish that I'll continue to be cancer free, I'll be able to eat without a struggle, and be able to function as a non teaching teacher and I wish my dearest cyber friends, Pete, Brian and other cancer sufferers to have a very happy and cancer free year and remain so for many more years beyond 2010.
Pete and Brian, thank you very much for the constant flow of inspiring thoughts, emotional support and motivating words coming my way through out the year. Thank you also for sharing your bittersweet cancer journey with me. Hope this will continue for many, many years to come...
Happy New Year to all!
Bye, for now.
Sharifah
"Cancer sucks!!"
The new year has just started. The curtains for 2009 has just fallen. Last year at this time, I put up my wishes for 2009. They were:
1. Be able to speak clearly.
2. Be able to enjoy food like before.
3. Be able to go for haj next year.
4. Be cancer free.
Up to now, I'd say two and a half of my wishes were granted. For the first wish, I've been told quite often that I sound a lot clearer than I did last year. I realise too, that I don't have to repeat myself that often any more. My family and friends can understand me almost perfectly, even over the phone. What about the second wish? Nope, not yet. I'm still relying on Peggy, the good old Peggy. This one, I don't know, maybe this wish is a bit unrealistic. However, I haven't given up hope yet, especially after reading DrSwill's blog Beyond The Glass Door on how far he has come after having total glossectomy about 2 years ago, I think. He is now able to enjoy anything on the table. And he even gobbled some slices of turkey on thanksgiving and a piece of mouthwatering steak on Christmas. Well, what do you know?? Miracles do happen!! Going for haj? Not yet, but I did go for umrah. For me, that's good enough because I really wanted to go to Mecca, the holy land. And lastly, being cancer free. Yes, I got that. I'd been cancer free through out 2009. What more could I ask for? For a cancer survivor, that's the best gift you can ever wish for. Life without cancer really makes life without a tongue sounds heavenly. Hey, your life or your tongue? I'd choose my life anytime.
Many people stricken with cancer claim that having cancer is the best thing that ever happens to them. They say that they are now closer to god, they have found love in the family and among friends and how much they appreciate little things in life. For me, you don't have to have cancer in order to be close to god or appreciate your close friends and family. You don't have to have cancer to make new friends. You can always pause for a few minutes in your busy schedule to reflect on what you are missing in your life or to appreciate how fortunate you are to be granted good health and to thank god for that. Just take a few minutes to ponder on the less fortunate people and how they struggle to survive. You don't have to wait for cancer to knock on your door to do all that because cancer really sucks!! Just be happy and thankful (bersyukur) that you are granted a good life while not forgetting the suffering ones.
I was watching Michael J. Fox the other day on Oprah show. He has been living with Parkinson for 18 years. His head and limbs were shaking almost all the time. Its amazing to see how normal he leads his life. When he played ice hockey, no one could tell that he's having Parkinson. He was asked about how he feels to be stared at by people every time he goes in public. He said that he can't afford to be affected by that and he has come to terms with the fact that it is something that he has to live with and it doesn't bother him anymore. And he is a celebrity!!
For 2010 and beyond, I wish that I'll continue to be cancer free, I'll be able to eat without a struggle, and be able to function as a non teaching teacher and I wish my dearest cyber friends, Pete, Brian and other cancer sufferers to have a very happy and cancer free year and remain so for many more years beyond 2010.
Pete and Brian, thank you very much for the constant flow of inspiring thoughts, emotional support and motivating words coming my way through out the year. Thank you also for sharing your bittersweet cancer journey with me. Hope this will continue for many, many years to come...
Happy New Year to all!
Bye, for now.
Sharifah
"Cancer sucks!!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What's Next?
My vacation is almost over. Good days are almost over. I'll be going back to work in January 2010, on the 19th to be exact. I could go for medical board if I want to, in fact, thats what has been suggested by my doc considering the fact that I have a slurring speech and teaching is what I do.
Can I teach? Not likely. Can I work? Definitely. I'm good and efficient with my hands, fingers, legs and most importantly my brain, my mind, my thinking faculty. I can understand things perfectly and I'm just as alert as anybody else. So, it has been suggested by the officer in the District Education Department that I'll be sent back to my school as a non-teaching teacher....hahaha sounds good, eh? I can just see myself parked in front of a laptop doing teaching modules, surfing the internet, translation work, updating my blog, and so on.... pretty much what I'm doing now, and getting paid for that!! Well, the truth is, I still cannot imagine what sort of things I'll be doing. It all depends on my boss. It's going to be anything related to but other than teaching...I can't wait!!
It has now been almost two years I've survived being tongueless. It sounds terrible, but actually, life has been tolerable to me. I am leading an almost normal life except for the eating and speaking parts. It is hard at times. It can be troublesome at certain times. But, like they say no matter how difficult anything is, once you get used to it, once it becomes normal for you, it doesn't become a burden anymore. Nowadays, I don't have any craving for any food anymore. People eating my favourite food in front of me doesn't bother me anymore. I'm cool. Sometimes, when I speak, I even forget that I slur until they ask me to repeat to which I gladly do...and I'd repeat much, much more slowly without having that uneasy feeling anymore..
Bye, for now.
"Cancer Sucks"
Can I teach? Not likely. Can I work? Definitely. I'm good and efficient with my hands, fingers, legs and most importantly my brain, my mind, my thinking faculty. I can understand things perfectly and I'm just as alert as anybody else. So, it has been suggested by the officer in the District Education Department that I'll be sent back to my school as a non-teaching teacher....hahaha sounds good, eh? I can just see myself parked in front of a laptop doing teaching modules, surfing the internet, translation work, updating my blog, and so on.... pretty much what I'm doing now, and getting paid for that!! Well, the truth is, I still cannot imagine what sort of things I'll be doing. It all depends on my boss. It's going to be anything related to but other than teaching...I can't wait!!
It has now been almost two years I've survived being tongueless. It sounds terrible, but actually, life has been tolerable to me. I am leading an almost normal life except for the eating and speaking parts. It is hard at times. It can be troublesome at certain times. But, like they say no matter how difficult anything is, once you get used to it, once it becomes normal for you, it doesn't become a burden anymore. Nowadays, I don't have any craving for any food anymore. People eating my favourite food in front of me doesn't bother me anymore. I'm cool. Sometimes, when I speak, I even forget that I slur until they ask me to repeat to which I gladly do...and I'd repeat much, much more slowly without having that uneasy feeling anymore..
Bye, for now.
"Cancer Sucks"
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Good Bye, Ananth
Hello to all,
Another head and neck cancer warrior, Ananth Shenoy went to meet his maker on November 20th in his sleep after battling a fierce battle for almost 10 years. He was one of my cyber friends whom I befriended after I myself was hit by this unforgiving cancer. His passing saddens me to the core. He was constantly motivating, inspiring and had never lost for words when it comes to uplifting the spirits of fellow cancer survivors. I am one of those lucky people who had the opportunity to get to know him and whose lives he touched. When I underwent my second surgery in August last year, he wrote to the Mouth Cancer Foundation Forum informing everybody and asking everybody to pray for my recovery and when I did recover, he wrote to me and said that it was the best news he had ever got. How could you not like such a person even though you've never met? How could you not feel anything when such a person is gone? The world seems quiet without him.
We chatted through yahoo messenger several times. I talked to him about the shortcomings I face socially for being tongueless, about how people just look at you in a certain way once you start saying something and sometimes they just look the other way just because they have a hard time understanding you. Its as though trying to understand you is so hard and laborious and is such a waste of their precious time. We talked about having to resort to the PEG tube for food and how embarrassing it could be having to do it in public. And he never failed to make me feel good about myself again. He said that if others refuse to pause and try to understand what I have to say, then, its their loss because I have a lot of great ideas to share and I can understand perfectly what they have to share. In other words, I can enrich myself from them, but they can't.
He would use him own experience in the cancer journey to point out how fortunate I am compared to him, He said that he's willing to trade places with me anytime..
The last time I chatted with him he complained that he was in a lot of pain and was taking doses of morphine to numb the pain, And now, he's gone...and all that pain is over...
Rest in peace, Ananth. You are terribly missed!
Sharifah
Another head and neck cancer warrior, Ananth Shenoy went to meet his maker on November 20th in his sleep after battling a fierce battle for almost 10 years. He was one of my cyber friends whom I befriended after I myself was hit by this unforgiving cancer. His passing saddens me to the core. He was constantly motivating, inspiring and had never lost for words when it comes to uplifting the spirits of fellow cancer survivors. I am one of those lucky people who had the opportunity to get to know him and whose lives he touched. When I underwent my second surgery in August last year, he wrote to the Mouth Cancer Foundation Forum informing everybody and asking everybody to pray for my recovery and when I did recover, he wrote to me and said that it was the best news he had ever got. How could you not like such a person even though you've never met? How could you not feel anything when such a person is gone? The world seems quiet without him.
We chatted through yahoo messenger several times. I talked to him about the shortcomings I face socially for being tongueless, about how people just look at you in a certain way once you start saying something and sometimes they just look the other way just because they have a hard time understanding you. Its as though trying to understand you is so hard and laborious and is such a waste of their precious time. We talked about having to resort to the PEG tube for food and how embarrassing it could be having to do it in public. And he never failed to make me feel good about myself again. He said that if others refuse to pause and try to understand what I have to say, then, its their loss because I have a lot of great ideas to share and I can understand perfectly what they have to share. In other words, I can enrich myself from them, but they can't.
He would use him own experience in the cancer journey to point out how fortunate I am compared to him, He said that he's willing to trade places with me anytime..
The last time I chatted with him he complained that he was in a lot of pain and was taking doses of morphine to numb the pain, And now, he's gone...and all that pain is over...
Rest in peace, Ananth. You are terribly missed!
Sharifah
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Cancer Warrior Is Gone
Hello,
I just got news that a fellow cancer survivor, Robert Pemberton or Bob left this planet on 28th October after fighting a hard and long battle with tongue cancer. He was one of the followers of this blog. He sent his comments several times with his encouraging and kind words. His blog which is maintained by his wife Joyce is linked to mine. No words could express my feelings upon receiving the news. He was such a strong and caring man who accepted his fate bravely and calmly. This was expressed by Joyce so eloquently in their blog. And I’m sure his passing has hit her hard...but, I’m also sure that being a strong woman herself and with the support and love she’s getting from the people around her, and with the faith she’s holding on to, she’ll be okay.
I've learnt a lot from this great guy through his experience and how he emotionally handled this vicious enemy within his body. He was a man of faith. Yes, I totally agree with him. You have to have faith. I can’t imagine myself battling this disease without having any faith in God. I mean, who can you cling on? Having this disease means you are fighting your own battle. Not even your loved ones can do anything to curtail it. If it decides to invade your body, it will. You can cry all you want. You can run amok all you want. You can curse all you want. It won’t make any difference where cancer cells are concerned because cancer has a mind of its own.
The only thing we, cancer victims can do are to cling on to the love from our family and friends and of course, FAITH. Having faith in the Almighty helps me face this ordeal and reading Bob’s blog really helps me cope with my own emotion in accepting what has been planned and what are in store for me.
Anyway, I feel truly blessed that I’ve got the chance to get to know this great man.
Goodbye, comrade! Rest in peace.
I just got news that a fellow cancer survivor, Robert Pemberton or Bob left this planet on 28th October after fighting a hard and long battle with tongue cancer. He was one of the followers of this blog. He sent his comments several times with his encouraging and kind words. His blog which is maintained by his wife Joyce is linked to mine. No words could express my feelings upon receiving the news. He was such a strong and caring man who accepted his fate bravely and calmly. This was expressed by Joyce so eloquently in their blog. And I’m sure his passing has hit her hard...but, I’m also sure that being a strong woman herself and with the support and love she’s getting from the people around her, and with the faith she’s holding on to, she’ll be okay.
I've learnt a lot from this great guy through his experience and how he emotionally handled this vicious enemy within his body. He was a man of faith. Yes, I totally agree with him. You have to have faith. I can’t imagine myself battling this disease without having any faith in God. I mean, who can you cling on? Having this disease means you are fighting your own battle. Not even your loved ones can do anything to curtail it. If it decides to invade your body, it will. You can cry all you want. You can run amok all you want. You can curse all you want. It won’t make any difference where cancer cells are concerned because cancer has a mind of its own.
The only thing we, cancer victims can do are to cling on to the love from our family and friends and of course, FAITH. Having faith in the Almighty helps me face this ordeal and reading Bob’s blog really helps me cope with my own emotion in accepting what has been planned and what are in store for me.
Anyway, I feel truly blessed that I’ve got the chance to get to know this great man.
Goodbye, comrade! Rest in peace.
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