Happy New Year

Salam and hello again everybody,

The new year has just started. The curtains for 2009 has just fallen. Last year at this time, I put up my wishes for 2009. They were:

1. Be able to speak clearly.

2. Be able to enjoy food like before.

3. Be able to go for haj next year.

4. Be cancer free.

Up to now, I'd say two and a half of my wishes were granted. For the first wish, I've been told quite often that I sound a lot clearer than I did last year. I realise too, that I don't have to repeat myself that often any more. My family and friends can understand me almost perfectly, even over the phone. What about the second wish? Nope, not yet. I'm still relying on Peggy, the good old Peggy. This one, I don't know, maybe this wish is a bit unrealistic. However, I haven't given up hope yet, especially after reading DrSwill's blog Beyond The Glass Door on how far he has come after having total glossectomy about 2 years ago, I think. He is now able to enjoy anything on the table. And he even gobbled some slices of turkey on thanksgiving and a piece of mouthwatering steak on Christmas. Well, what do you know?? Miracles do happen!! Going for haj? Not yet, but I did go for umrah. For me, that's good enough because I really wanted to go to Mecca, the holy land. And lastly, being cancer free. Yes, I got that. I'd been cancer free through out 2009. What more could I ask for? For a cancer survivor, that's the best gift you can ever wish for. Life without cancer really makes life without a tongue sounds heavenly. Hey, your life or your tongue? I'd choose my life anytime.

Many people stricken with cancer claim that having cancer is the best thing that ever happens to them. They say that they are now closer to god, they have found love in the family and among friends and how much they appreciate little things in life. For me, you don't have to have cancer in order to be close to god or appreciate your close friends and family. You don't have to have cancer to make new friends. You can always pause for a few minutes in your busy schedule to reflect on what you are missing in your life or to appreciate how fortunate you are to be granted good health and to thank god for that. Just take a few minutes to ponder on the less fortunate people and how they struggle to survive. You don't have to wait for cancer to knock on your door to do all that because cancer really sucks!! Just be happy and thankful (bersyukur) that you are granted a good life while not forgetting the suffering ones.

I was watching Michael J. Fox the other day on Oprah show. He has been living with Parkinson for 18 years. His head and limbs were shaking almost all the time. Its amazing to see how normal he leads his life. When he played ice hockey, no one could tell that he's having Parkinson. He was asked about how he feels to be stared at by people every time he goes in public. He said that he can't afford to be affected by that and he has come to terms with the fact that it is something that he has to live with and it doesn't bother him anymore. And he is a celebrity!!

For 2010 and beyond, I wish that I'll continue to be cancer free, I'll be able to eat without a struggle, and be able to function as a non teaching teacher and I wish my dearest cyber friends, Pete, Brian and other cancer sufferers to have a very happy and cancer free year and remain so for many more years beyond 2010.


Pete and Brian, thank you very much for the constant flow of inspiring thoughts, emotional support and motivating words coming my way through out the year. Thank you also for sharing your bittersweet cancer journey with me. Hope this will continue for many, many years to come...

Happy New Year to all!

Bye, for now.

Sharifah

"Cancer sucks!!"

What's Next?

My vacation is almost over. Good days are almost over. I'll be going back to work in January 2010, on the 19th to be exact. I could go for medical board if I want to, in fact, thats what has been suggested by my doc considering the fact that I have a slurring speech and teaching is what I do.

Can I teach? Not likely. Can I work? Definitely. I'm good and efficient with my hands, fingers, legs and most importantly my brain, my mind, my thinking faculty. I can understand things perfectly and I'm just as alert as anybody else. So, it has been suggested by the officer in the District Education Department that I'll be sent back to my school as a non-teaching teacher....hahaha sounds good, eh? I can just see myself parked in front of a laptop doing teaching modules, surfing the internet, translation work, updating my blog, and so on.... pretty much what I'm doing now, and getting paid for that!! Well, the truth is, I still cannot imagine what sort of things I'll be doing. It all depends on my boss. It's going to be anything related to but other than teaching...I can't wait!!

It has now been almost two years I've survived being tongueless. It sounds terrible, but actually, life has been tolerable to me. I am leading an almost normal life except for the eating and speaking parts. It is hard at times. It can be troublesome at certain times. But, like they say no matter how difficult anything is, once you get used to it, once it becomes normal for you, it doesn't become a burden anymore. Nowadays, I don't have any craving for any food anymore. People eating my favourite food in front of me doesn't bother me anymore. I'm cool. Sometimes, when I speak, I even forget that I slur until they ask me to repeat to which I gladly do...and I'd repeat much, much more slowly without having that uneasy feeling anymore..

Bye, for now.

"Cancer Sucks"

Good Bye, Ananth

Hello to all,

Another head and neck cancer warrior, Ananth Shenoy went to meet his maker on November 20th in his sleep after battling a fierce battle for almost 10 years. He was one of my cyber friends whom I befriended after I myself was hit by this unforgiving cancer. His passing saddens me to the core. He was constantly motivating, inspiring and had never lost for words when it comes to uplifting the spirits of fellow cancer survivors. I am one of those lucky people who had the opportunity to get to know him and whose lives he touched. When I underwent my second surgery in August last year, he wrote to the Mouth Cancer Foundation Forum informing everybody and asking everybody to pray for my recovery and when I did recover, he wrote to me and said that it was the best news he had ever got. How could you not like such a person even though you've never met? How could you not feel anything when such a person is gone? The world seems quiet without him.

We chatted through yahoo messenger several times. I talked to him about the shortcomings I face socially for being tongueless, about how people just look at you in a certain way once you start saying something and sometimes they just look the other way just because they have a hard time understanding you. Its as though trying to understand you is so hard and laborious and is such a waste of their precious time. We talked about having to resort to the PEG tube for food and how embarrassing it could be having to do it in public. And he never failed to make me feel good about myself again. He said that if others refuse to pause and try to understand what I have to say, then, its their loss because I have a lot of great ideas to share and I can understand perfectly what they have to share. In other words, I can enrich myself from them, but they can't.

He would use him own experience in the cancer journey to point out how fortunate I am compared to him, He said that he's willing to trade places with me anytime..

The last time I chatted with him he complained that he was in a lot of pain and was taking doses of morphine to numb the pain, And now, he's gone...and all that pain is over...

Rest in peace, Ananth. You are terribly missed!

Sharifah

A Cancer Warrior Is Gone

Hello,

I just got news that a fellow cancer survivor, Robert Pemberton or Bob left this planet on 28th October after fighting a hard and long battle with tongue cancer. He was one of the followers of this blog. He sent his comments several times with his encouraging and kind words. His blog which is maintained by his wife Joyce is linked to mine. No words could express my feelings upon receiving the news. He was such a strong and caring man who accepted his fate bravely and calmly. This was expressed by Joyce so eloquently in their blog. And I’m sure his passing has hit her hard...but, I’m also sure that being a strong woman herself and with the support and love she’s getting from the people around her, and with the faith she’s holding on to, she’ll be okay.

I've learnt a lot from this great guy through his experience and how he emotionally handled this vicious enemy within his body. He was a man of faith. Yes, I totally agree with him. You have to have faith. I can’t imagine myself battling this disease without having any faith in God. I mean, who can you cling on? Having this disease means you are fighting your own battle. Not even your loved ones can do anything to curtail it. If it decides to invade your body, it will. You can cry all you want. You can run amok all you want. You can curse all you want. It won’t make any difference where cancer cells are concerned because cancer has a mind of its own.

The only thing we, cancer victims can do are to cling on to the love from our family and friends and of course, FAITH. Having faith in the Almighty helps me face this ordeal and reading Bob’s blog really helps me cope with my own emotion in accepting what has been planned and what are in store for me.

Anyway, I feel truly blessed that I’ve got the chance to get to know this great man.

Goodbye, comrade! Rest in peace.

Where Are Our Priorities, Ladies?

Hello and salam to all,

I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm steaming mad. I'm hopping mad. I just read about the increasing number of Malaysian women diagnosed with breast cancer. Most of them, got to know about their condition at a later stage which makes it almost impossible to save their lives. When asked why they were late in getting themselves checked, most of their answers would be they were scared to be told about the diagnosis and prognosis. They were especially scared that the doctor might decide to perform a mastectomy and as a result their husbands might just leave them for other women or just walk away.

My goodness!! I can sure understand and empathize with the feeling of helplessness or the fear of the disease. But being worried about losing a husband because you have breast cancer and therefore refuse to seek help for this deadly disease is just beyond me.... How could you put your health and wellbeing second to your husband?? If he leaves you because you have no breast, why worry about it? You have your life to worry about. And your children who are counting on you for that matter. If he leaves you because you have breast cancer, well, so what? He can go to hell...you have no use for such a husband.

Please love yourself first...if he decides to leave you, he would leave you no matter what. With or without breast cancer...


To my sisters, please take care of yourselves.. your health is the most important thing in your life.

Bye, for now.

"Cancer Sucks"

How Significant Are We?

Salam again,

Last night, my thought lingered around my late aunt who passed on more than 20 years ago when I was studying the US. She had nerve cancer I think. It attacked her right thigh. It started with a pain on her thigh. She and every one else thought that it was because she was overweight and her weight strained her thigh. So, she went to the traditional medicine practitioner and he massaged her thigh. It didn't work. And her thigh became swollen. Then, she went to another one. She also went to the hospital. Nothing happened. And the swelling got worse. Finally, it got so huge and painful that she was unable to get up. Then, finally, she was taken to the Penang General Hospital where I stayed when I underwent my chemo and radio therapy treatments. When the doctor took the first look at her swollen thigh, he shook his head and right away ordered a biopsy and to everyone's dismay, it was confirmed stage IV cancer and there was little that could be done. Chemo was her only option.

That was long time ago. Chemo treatment was a lot harsher then. From what I heard from my mother, she would scream and writhe every time the chemo drug was injected into her vein and it was unbearable to watch her in such a pain. After a few injections of chemo drug, the doctor finally gave up and said that there was nothing that they could do and continuing with the treatment would only torture her without any positive outcome in sight. Then, her family took her home and she went to meet her maker a few weeks after that at the age of 36, al fatihah.

She is still remembered by those who were close to her. My mom would still be in tears whenever she talks about her sister. My mom said that at the time of her passing she was so frail and was down to half of her precancer size. I remember her as someone who is jovial, caring and warm. I could just walk into her house and tell her that I craved for this or that and voila! you can be sure for it to be on the table for the next meal.


After we die, how long will we be remembered? Or how will we be remembered? For most of us, ordinary people, me, in particular, if I were to leave this world now, I will most probably be vividly remembered by my husband, my children and friends for 5 years at the most. Hopefully my children will keep on praying for me through out their lives. My husband would most probably take up another wife in a snap. It will take much longer for my parents. After that, most probably life will just go on and everybody will be bogged down by their daily tasks and activities and very soon, I will just exist in a small compartment of their memories. And as for my childrens' children, I would be almost non-existent to them. As they say time heals all wounds. And thats the way it should. I mean I would not want people to mourn for me for too long. I want them to get on with their lives and pray for me whenever they can.

Why am I talking like this? Please don't get me wrong. I'm not planning to die just yet. I'm just thinking of how insignificant we all are..I mean let's face it, how many of us are Michael Jacksons? Elvis Presleys? P.Ramlees? or great Philosophers or world leaders? These people are remembered generations after generations for their great achievements. However, people like Hitler are also remembered generations after generations for different reasons.

For the rest of us, after we are gone, we will only be remembered by people from our present or perhaps the next generation only. After that, it would be as if we never existed in this world...

Bye, for now.

May my aunt rest in peace and her soul embraced in Allah's love and mercy. Amin

"Cancer Sucks!"

Mecca

The day for me to leave for Mecca finally arrived. I was very excited and looking forward to the trip. I went with a friend. I was still on tube feeding meaning that I took in my food through a stomach tube which was inserted directly into my stomach. It was quite troublesome when you are on a long journey. And it was a long journey. The flight from Penang to Jeddah took 12 hours. I could only take water and light soup in that 12 hour flight. It was on Friday, August 21st. When we reached Jeddah, we were stuck at the Immigration for 5 hours and I still could not get any food into my hungry tummy.



After getting through the immigration, we hopped into a bus which took us on another 5 hour journey to Medina. I could only manage to put in a glass of fruit juice into my stomach on the bus. We reached Medina after dawn. Then, we got into our rooms. It was the first day of Ramadan and I made a big mistake fasting. I still felt okay and amazed at myself at how well my body tolerated the hunger pangs. On that day itself, along with a few others, I walked to the Nabawi Mosque to pray. Wow, the mosque was really breathtaking. I can't even begin to describe it. We visited the tombs of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. and his friends; Saidina Abu Bakar As-Siddiq and Saidina Umar Al-Khattab, and prayed for them. I was doing fine until the time for iftar. No problem and I even bragged about it.

On the second night, we were off to Mecca to perform the umrah. We had to put on our ihram attire meaning that the clothes will have to cover the whole body except the face and palms. We had to put a head scarf as well to cover up our hair. There are also certain restrictions that need to be observed when you are in ihram attire or your umrah would be nullified.

On the way to Mecca, we stopped at Bir Ali for the ihram sunnah prayer and to express our intention for ihram. Then, we headed straight to Mecca, stopping on the way for subuh prayer. When we reached Mecca, it was already about 9 am and it was scorching hot. We were given our rooms and instructed to come down at about 11 am to do the tawaf and saie at the Masjidil Haram. We walked into Masjidil Haram through the Babussalam entrance. Thats the entrance used by Prophet Muhammad when he entered the mosque. We headed straight to the Kaabah to perform the tawaf. When I looked at the Kaabah I was overwhelmed by emotion. This is the qiblat for our daily prayers. Meaning that this is the direction we face when we perform our prayers. And here I am, feeling very fortunate to be given the chance to look at it for real, with my own two eyes. I felt so small in front of Allah.

I took the opportunity to pray for my good health, good life, my family, my parents, friends and other cancer sufferers.

The tawaf, amazingly was not that tiring. Fortunately, there were not too many people. Probably because it was just the first week of Ramadan. I managed to touch the Hijir Ismail and kept on praying until we completed the seven rounds of tawaf. Then, we were set for the saie where we have to walk or brisk walk to and from Safa and Marwah 7 times. This is to emulate what Siti Hajar did looking for water when her son the Prophet Ismail was crying of thirst at Marwah. I felt so weak and tired after the 4th trip and thought that I would pass out. I prayed to Allah to give me the strength to complete the saie. At the same time, I was thinking of Siti Hajar running to and from the Safa and Marwah under the hot sun, barefoot on the dessert gravel and sand. That thought really kept me going and finally I managed to complete the saie.

On the next day, I went to do another round of tawaf and saie. Managed to perform the terrawih prayers in Masjidil Haram. Alhamdulillah. However, that night I was hit with a severe waves of diarrhea and nausea. I had very bad stomach ache. The next morning I started throwing up and I could not fast. By afternoon, I started throwing up tea-like liquid. It could be blood from my stomach. Then, I could not stand it anymore and requested to be taken to the hospital.

I was worried that my cancer might have attacked my stomach. At the hospital, the doctor did a blood test and infused 2 pints of saline. Alhamdulillah the test came back ok. My blood was alright. The doctor suspected that I've got a very mild ulcer. Probably due to the long hours I went without food on the long journey. He prescribed some medication and I've been alright since then. And everything was just smoothsailing after that.